Lea Delaria had popularized a joke about queer women bringing a U-Haul on their second date, to reflect the socially recognized fact that when it comes to quickly move in together, lesbian couples tend to bunk up much quicker than anyone else.
Moving in together is a huge step in a relationship. This is true even in situations where people spend most of their time together and know they are in this relationship with all of their being. Moving in together implies a cohabitant codependence on the availability of another person, as well as the full faith in a relationship lasting.
However, when couples move in together shortly after they meet, the results can be unpredictable. Moving in soon after starting a relationship has been labeled ‘U-hauling” taking from the idea that you pack up your essentials and move in with your partner. This is not a new trend, but the COVID-19 pandemic lockdown put many new couples in an odd place in their relationship.
Facing the prospect of either hunkering down together or spending a ton of time apart, new and long-term couples have a difficult decision to make. On the one hand, they could choose to stay in touch remotely for an indefinite period of time, forgoing the essential physical and sexual connections that a relationship requires, or bunking up together before either person is entirely ready to do so.
Couples got together, discussed the pros and cons of a ‘U-hauling’ action, and ultimately made what they felt was the best decision for them. Oddly, or perhaps not so, the U-hauling trend disproportionately seemed to affect women, or more notably, lesbian women. Lea Delaria had popularized a joke about queer women bringing a U-Haul on their second date, to reflect the socially recognized fact that when it comes to quickly move in together, lesbian couples tend to bunk up much quicker than anyone else. To be clear, there are no significant statistical trends that lead to the belief that this universally the case, it does seem to be a higher trend in the queer demographic.
The phenomenon is a bit overstated, as it comes from the mindset of the mid-1900s where gay couples bunked up together quickly to enjoy the blessing of serial monogamy. Gay rights have come a long way since that time of course, but society has not shaken the fact that it tells women about the security and importance of finding a partner to secure their financial and societal security.
Having said that, not all factors involved in this are environmental. People’s minds are wired to seek connections, and women emit greater amounts of the hormone Oxytocin than men when they fall in love, breastfeed, or have sex. The chemical effect of this hormone on the brain is very stimulating and women want to hold on to the feeling forever. When two women experience this effect, it makes for a doubling of the biological forces that lead to a desire to quickly close the separation gap and move in together. A cruder (but a more flowery term) for this phenomenon has been termed as ‘love addiction.’
Relationships, and the people in them, are all different. Some people are comfortable with moving in with another person 6 months in, others wait for more than a year. Others still grasp the notion of “this is it” and jump the gun after a couple of months.
Relationships, and the people in them, are all different. Some people are comfortable with moving in with another person 6 months in, others wait for more than a year. Others still grasp the notion of “this is it” and jump the gun after a couple of months.
But is the re-emerging trend due to the COVID pandemic actually a good thing for a relationship? There are a couple of schools of thought on the matter. On the one hand, if a lesbian couple gravitates to one another to the extent that they feel that moving in together is a logical move because they genuinely feel it would be best, and they find security and longevous prospects in this relationship, who would argue the decision?
The downside comes from deciding out of necessity and needs for companionship before fully evaluating compatibility. Most relationship experts suggest that when dating, you should see your counterpart only about once a week. You both lead your own lives and in the initial stages of a relationship, while you learn more about the other person. While there might be a deep physical and sexual attraction, our lifestyles may not be conducive to each other, making a cohabitation, especially in the uncertainty of a lockdown potentially ruinous to a relationship.
Most relationship experts suggest that when dating, you should see your counterpart only about once a week. You both lead your own lives and in the initial stages of a relationship, while you learn more about the other person.
The uptick in this “U-hauling” tactic may have exposed its ills, but the situation leading to it is clearly different. Feeling forced into a choice between long distancing, remote relationship practice, or an abdication of the relationship, and moving in together far sooner than recommended can lead to unpredictable results. Not to be total downers, for many couples it seemingly has worked out. Although the rigors and restrictions of the pandemic may not have left much up to choice.